You'll Be In My Heart
by DeliriousExpectations
Summary: NM AU. Bella tries to get on without Edward. Seven years later, she is living in NYC, working as a therapist. But she is very lonely, and decides to take drastic action to fill her empty life. Then she bumps into an old friend on the street...
1. Foreward, Today

**_A/N_ right, let me just clear some things up. I've bee nworking on this story for a while, and although it's quite slow to begin with, I really enjoyed writing it. I know it may seem a little confusing in certain places - well, mostly all of it is confusing - but it's all a sort of domino effect that leads to a wonderful happy ending that we all know Bella nd Edward deserve. And I know that I started _Goodnight, Sweetheart _but it's really hard to write, though I know now what I want to do with that story and where it's going. Also, it's helping me a lot with my History coursework what with the whole WWII stuff. So give it a go if you enjoy reading this and liked my first story.**

**Oh and don't worry, this story is nowhere near as angsty and annoying as my first fic. Thank God. All my stories are wayyyyy to angsty.**

**So basically, this is Bella trying to get on with her life. This first chapter is just setting the scene and so don't get too peeved at the non-action. All in good time... **

**So as always, I do not in fact own anything twilighty, though we all wish we did own our own Edward. And I would love reviews because they really really make my day**

**Okay, major long authors note terminated and my lips are sealed :)**

**Today **

Grief is a funny thing. Well, not so much funny as heartbreakingly, toe-clenchingly awful. I don't think I've ever met anyone who would honestly be able to say they have never experienced grief, especially in my line of work. But I'm not just talking about my patients here; I'm talking about my family, my friends, my milkman and postman, my landlord and my colleagues, the people I pass on the street and people that I am never likely to meet. They are all grieving, have grieved in the past, or will grieve in the very near future. It is one of the things that unite us as a race. Grief: let us all join together in our mutual pain and misfortune and step forward into the future as one big sobbing mass of anti-depressant-swallowing insomniacs.

But there comes a point in life that we have to look our pain in the face and say: stop, I don't have time for you now; I need to go to work, or water the garden, or take out the trash. And those little tasks will keep the pain at bay until we are each alone in our beds at night crying our hearts out and wondering 'where did it all go wrong?'

Of course, I myself don't need to ask where it went wrong. I know exactly when my life went down the crapper. It was three days after my eighteenth birthday.

My memory of that day is so strong it is almost palpable. I can close my eyes and be there, in the woods. I can smell the musky scent of the trees, drenched in fresh rain. I can taste the cold on my tongue as I struggled for breath. I can hear his words, Edward's words, as he tells me that he does not love me anymore. That he is leaving. I can feel his stone arms hold me for one last time; his icy lips crush against mine for an instant. I can see _him._ He stands out so clearly against the dark moist forest, his pale face void of all emotion, his eyes hard and firm. Resolute.

That is where it all went wrong.

I ghosted my way through my senior year of high school, not really feeling. When the time came to apply to universities I did so reluctantly, not really wanting to leave Forks. I was accepted to a few places, but decided on the one in Juneau. My reasons for this were as follows:

1) It was within my budget

2) It wasn't too far away from Charlie and

3) It wasn't _that_ far from Denali – a girl can wish, can't she?

When I arrived I finally realised that it was exactly what I needed; to be a normal student with normal problems and a normal life with normal friends.

I majored in psychology; something about it just entranced me. How people's minds work, why we do things, how we think of ourselves, it was just so…interesting. I finally came out of my cocoon of hazy and distraught solitude, and began to live again. I made friends and I went to parties on the weekends and I got drunk and I studied and I went on a few dates and I lived my life. After three years I finished my degree with distinction, Charlie told me it was the proudest moment of his life.

So there I was, a newly graduated twenty-one year old with a psychology diploma in hand and a full tank of fuel. What adventures lay before me?

I packed my bags and hugged my dad goodbye and set off into the big, bad world. I would keep the past in the past, the future in the future and I would live for today.

**Told you nothing happens in this chapter. It's just easing you into Bella's new life. Slow and steady wins the race, you know.**

**And also, who has read the time travelers wife? I cried my heart out in that book! I really reccomend it.**

**And coz I love you I'm going to put the next chapter up right away :)**

**lots of love**

**Sasha :) xx**


	2. Chapter 1, The Next Best Thing

**_A/N_ as I said, chapter two... well one, considering the first was more of a foreward/preface type thing. This chap is a bit of an excuse to just ease you into the story, the important stuff will happen soon. And I know there are a lot of charecters, but they are all pretty minor and you don't need to remember them really. Well.. at least I don't thing you do. Lol.**

**The Next Best Thing (January 7****th**** 2015, New York)**

It's quarter to six. The neon green digits on my alarm clock tell me just that. I sit up and stretch with a loud yawn, surveying my bedroom. The early morning sun seeps through my light drapes and sets an omnipresent glow over my room. My bedclothes are knotted from my turning in my sleep and the sandy floorboards are littered with yesterday's clothing. I throw back the sheets and shuffle out the half open door in my socks, sweats and an old T-shirt. I make my way down the short hallway to my bathroom. The walls here are tiled in sixties brown and yellow, the tub is old and tired looking.

I survey myself in the mirror above the sink for a moment or two, pulling back my hair to see the skin on my forehead, eyeing in disapprovingly. Am I really getting wrinkles? I'm only twenty-four years old for Pete's sake.

I sigh and turn towards the combined bath and shower, turning the handles so that the water spurts out of the showerhead with a small hissing noise. I strip and stand under the warm water for a few moments before I rub shampoo into my hair. When I'm sure the last of the soap suds are out of my hair and down the drain I turn the water off and wrap a towel around my torso. I brush my teeth and comb my hair, which now falls only to my shoulders. I'd cut it a few months ago, when I first moved to New York. I'd been job hunting and wanted to look more mature to make a good impression, and very long hair didn't make me seem responsible and competent, so it had to go.

I leave the bathroom and return to my room. I approach my closet and pull the doors wide. I rummage through the hangers for a few moments, finally settling on a pale blue blouse and grey trousers. I grab some underwear and get dressed, wrapping my hair up in the towel to keep my shirt dry.

I pull open my bedroom curtains and let the early sun shine on my face and bid me good morning. I leave my room and go to the 'big room', as I lovingly called it. It is my lounge, my kitchen, my dining room and my study, all in one square box decorated with bright, kitsch furniture that gave my home a very cheerful, open feel to it – exactly the environment one should live in.

I pop some bread into the toaster and put two eggs in the pan, poking them a little before filling a glass with orange juice and fixing a bowl of shredded wheat. I put the cereal and the juice on my tray and take my now golden-brown toast out of the toaster an put the two slices on a plate, scraping them over with butter. Then I take the eggs out of the pan tip them onto the toast, one on each slice. I smile at my handiwork and plonk myself down in front of CNN.

I'm finished by half seven and have time to do the dishes by hand before I return to my room.

I hurriedly brush my hair again, blitzing it dry with my hairdryer whilst humming '_the_ _winner takes it all_' by Abba. Then I slip on some flat shoes and grab my purse and jacket, leaving the apartment at ten to eight.

I walk a few blocks along the crowded pavement to the closest subway station and wait patiently on the platform for my train. It arrives and I'm lucky enough to find a seat, on it is today's copy of _The_ _Post, _I take it and flip through it absentmindedly until we reach my stop. I take the paper with me; there is an article in it that might interest one of my colleagues.

I am on the street again, and from here it is three blocks to my office. I take a short detour to Starbucks, ordering an Americano Coffee to go. It is now nearly half eight. I walk slowly through the hustle and bustle of the city, not in any rush as my day doesn't start until nine.

The metal grate of the elevator slides open onto the second floor of _Jefferson and Associates Psychological Support_ and I step out of it, tapping my finger on the lid of my now half full coffee. The building is fairly narrow; there are only three offices on each floor. The ground floor is just the reception and waiting area, the first two floors are occupied by six Junior Councillors, me being one of them. On the floor below is Kimy, Geoffrey and Carlos – the new guy – while on this floor my office is between Jennifer's and Niall's. Carlos and Kimy specialise in dealing with irrational fears, whilst Geoffrey and Jennifer's work focuses on patients recovering from abuse. Niall and I work with people who are severely depressed, mentally or otherwise – though I work more with people who have just gotten out of a relationship and are having trouble letting go. Sound familiar? Yeah, well I can relate to their problems so I feel more suited to treating them than I would a soldier sent home after seeing too much.

The two floors above ours are where the four Senior Councillors dwell. Sheridan and Lawrence work above us, while Alma and Hank work on the fourth floor – Hank being Mr Jefferson, the boss, and Alma being his right hand woman.

The fifth floor is the staff room, and a very nice staff room it is too.

I pull the key to my office from my bag and open the door with some difficulty, as I only have one hand. Inside everything is just as I remember it. The wide window sweeps across the back wall, grey skyscrapers snapshot through the panes. My desk sits in front if it with my Apple Mac computer and tall, exceedingly comfortable chair. Two large leather armchairs sit on the other side of the desk. My floorboards are varnished a honey brown and the walls and ceiling are whitewashed. The light fittings are chrome and elegant. There is a comfortable couch against the left hand wall, with a Japanese Peace Lily on the floor beside it and a small coffee table in front of it. The other wall is lined with waist high bookshelves that double up as a sort of display cabinet. On it I have my diploma proudly displayed beside a picture of Charlie and me at my graduation. I have pictures of my parents at their wedding in Vegas, some of me growing up, some of my friends from High School and some of my friends from college. I have a picture from last the Office Christmas Party three weeks ago, with us all looking very happy and a little confused. And right on the end, almost hidden behind a bonsai tree, I have the one picture that he left behind. He probably did it by mistake; he didn't want to leave me any reminders. But he did. He left me one picture. In the picture we stand side by side in formal clothing, and I look almost worthy of him, despite my leg being in a cast. Our prom photo…

I try to ignore that picture, but it would be wrong to throw it away. I keep it at work because if I kept it at home I would have no reason to not break down and cry my heart out.

I sit behind my desk and set my coffee down beside me before logging into my computer and checking my schedule.

_9:30 Helen Reardon_

_10:30 Mitchell Jacobs_

_11:30 Drew Taylor_

_12:30 Lunch – your turn to buy the doughnuts_

_1:30 Kari Underway_

_2:30 Sirah Niyad_

_3:30 Stanley Hoots_

I sigh, my 1:30 and 3:30 where going to be torture. But hey, it's my job right?

The morning passes quickly; Helen, Mitchell and Drew are having good days. Helen talks to me about how her divorce is going. Mitchell, who is newly widowed, talks to me about how life was easier if he did things one step at a time. And Drew talks to me about how the woman to the subway flirted with him.

It is finally lunchtime, I have taken doughnut orders and I am headed out to a bakery a few blocks away that we all cherish and adore. I walk with a slight skip in my step, today I feel almost weightless. The cold January air tightens around me, trying to break my mood, but to no avail. I'm quite content.

I arrive back at the office within half an hour and take the elevator all the way up to the staff room. Everyone is seated on the plush armchairs and sofas, eating their lunches and drinking coffee.

"Hey, anyone order doughnuts?" I ask as I set the box down on the coffee table before retrieving my food from the refrigerator. Today I have pasta salad.

"Jeez Bella, did you crawl there are something? You took ages!" complains Niall as I sit down.

"Well at least she didn't fall over end up going back for more like you did last time, Ni," says Sheridan. We all laugh at the memory and Niall scowls.

"So what were you all talking about before I brought the doughnuts?" I ask, noticing that Niall and Geoffrey have already consumed theirs.

"Patients. As usual, and Jennifer was complaining about the toilets," answers Hank with a smile.

"Bella you'll agree with me on this, is there or is there not a rat living in the third cubicle?"

"Eww, not that I've seen. And I'm definitely not using it from now on!" we all laugh again and eat our food in scattered discussion.

This is what I like about my work most, the people. I love that the Seniors don't think of themselves as above us Juniors. I love that we eat doughnuts. I love that we have a pool table in our staff room, and – apparently – a rat in our toilet. I love that the people I work with are caring and good and passionate and not in this for the money, because none of us are getting rich of this job. Not even Hank.

This may not be the life I'd originally planned, but it's a pretty good alternative.

**Okay, that's it. This is basically Bella's life now. Suckish for her, yeah? Well don't worry. Things are going to get very interesting in New York. Speaking of which, I've never been there, did I get all the facty stuff right?**

**I've never actually been to America, how rubbish is that? Reeeeally want to go though.**

**So Ill make you a deal, if you review me you don't have to make a contribution to my America-Holiday fund. Sound fair?**

**Maybe not...**

**Lots of love**

**Sasha :) xx**


	3. Chapter 2, Kindred Spirit

**_A/N_ heyyyyyyy :) thank you to everyone who reviewed last night :) I'm really glad you're enjoying the story so far. And don't worry, there will be some Edwardness in about two chapters, I think... I can't remember to be honest :) he's coming soon though.**

**Okay, I think that's all I really need so say, will probs say more at the end :) enjoy**

**Kindred Spirit (July 11****th**** 2015, Bella's Office)**

"How are you, Kari?"

"I don't know."

There is a silence here, that I never know how best to fill. I never look forward to my sessions with Kari, not that I have any aversions to the girl. She's perfectly nice. She's seventeen years old… and suffering from what I call 'post-soul-mate-break-up-depression', the pains of which I am all too well aware of. Kari has been coming to me since November now and there still has been no real improvement to speak of – except that she is now in fact _speaking_ to me.

"Kari, how long has it been since it happened?"

"Eight months and nine days exactly. I could tell you the hours and minutes if you wanted?" she offers quietly, looking up at me from the other side of the desk.

I shake my head at her in response and look at her for a moment. I've been playing with an idea in my head for a while now, wondering whether or not it would be wise…

"What?" she asks and I realise I've been staring at her.

"Kari… I'd like to show you something, to tell you something. I think it might help you."

"Okay."

I get up from behind my desk and walk over to my bookshelf. I retrieve the prom picture from behind the bonsai tree and make my way over to the couch.

"Come sit with me Kari."

She gets up slowly, numbly and makes her way to my side. She sits on her hands, as she always does. I hold out the picture for her to see, she pulls her hands out from beneath her and takes it from me.

"That's you."

"Yes."

"Was this at your prom?"

"Yep."

"You look beautiful."

"Thank you, at the time I felt quite ridiculous."

She laughs softly and runs her fingers over the photo.

"Who is he?"

"His name was Edward."

We sit in another one of our awkward silences, then she whispers "why are you showing me this?" I sigh.

"I want you to see that you're not alone. I want to tell you my story."

"Okay."

"When I was seventeen, I moved to Forks in Washington to live with my father. On the first day of school I saw him… Edward. He was inexplicably beautiful, and I had the good fortune to sit beside him in Biology. We got off to a bit of a rocky start; he had a few trust issues. But after a few months we were…"

"You fell in love."

"Well, I think I loved him from the second I saw him, but it just took him a little while to return the sentiment. We dated for a few weeks, and then I had the accident which led to my broken leg in the picture. Edward was distraught; he blamed himself though it was entirely my fault. My stupid, clumsy fault. He wouldn't let me do anything by myself; he would sneak into my room at night just to make sure I slept okay. We never… y'know, he was very old fashioned. He said if we were to ever be that intimate he wanted us to be married first. As you can imagine him saying things like that will get me thinking were in for the long haul…"

"What happened?"

"On my eighteenth birthday, his sister threw me a party. She knew I hated parties but she still did it, bless her. There was an incident… I argued with one of his brothers, it got kinda ugly. The next day he was very distant and none of his family was at school. The day after that he took me for a walk, he told me he was leaving. Not just leaving me, but leaving Forks altogether. He told me that he didn't love me and that I should get over him. And then he was gone. For the next few months, I was just as you are now. I lived in my own little world of misery, ignoring everything and everyone unless I had to. I missed my entire senior year because I was so determined to be numb and not feel the pain. College was the wake up call I needed to get my life back in check, to realise that holding onto him was just hurting me more, that being numb couldn't last forever and that sooner or later, the pain would come."

"So… you want me to just forget about James?"

"No, Kari, no. I want you to realise that pretending it didn't happen is just prolonging the heartbreak you're in. Your life is not just about your love for James. It's about your love for your friends, and for your family, and it's about you going to school and doing the best you can and getting the life that you want. Because holding on, is just going to hold you back."

She nods and a tear escapes her eye. I wrap my arm around her and pull her close, hushing her tears and smoothing her auburn hair.

After a while her sobs decease and she pulls out of my arms. I hand her a tissue from the box on the coffee table and she wipes her face.

"I'd better go."

"Are you sure? If you don't feel up to it yet you can stay a while, I don't have anymore patients."

"No, no I'd better get going. I've got to study."

"Okay."

We stand and I retrieve her coat and bag from the peg by the door for her. She opens the door to leave but then hesitates, turning towards me.

"Thank you, for telling me about him. It helped me."

"I'm glad, and you're welcome. Now go study. And don't forget to spent time with your friends too, it's time to get your life back Kari."

"Okay, thank you Bella, I'll see you next week."

"Bye, Kari."

I watch her get into the elevator and then I close the door.

**_A/N_ I know it seems a bit random, but Kari will be important later in the story, and Bella is a therapist so I can't really get through the story without mentioning her work at all. Oh, and Kari's James is not evil-vampire-nomad-James. I just couldn't think of a different name and then James kinda stuck...**

**Reviews? I'd _love_ it if we could get to twenty :P**

**And thank you to the people who have offered to smuggle me into the states :P, I'm sure it'll work a treat lol.**

**Love you guys**

**Sasha :) xx**


	4. Chapter 3, Still

**_A/N_ you know what ? I love you guys :) _please note, I am not drunk_**

**I'm justin a very good mood. So I'm giving you the next chapter a few hours earlier than I would usually. Woop Woop. Here go's...**

**Still (October 12****th****/15****th ****2016, New York) **

It is Tuesday. I am sitting in my office reading a tattered old copy of _Persuasion_ when I here a rapping noise on my door.

"Come in," I say without looking away from my novel.

The door opens.

"Hey Bella." I look up, it's Geoffrey.

"Hey Geoff, everything okay?"

"Yeah everything's fine; I just wanted to ask you something."

"Sure, come on in. Take a seat." I place my book on my desk and gesture to one of the seats opposite me. Geoffrey walks over and sits himself in one of the chairs.

"So what's up?" I ask.

"Well you see I have this friend, Ryan, and we're setting each other up on dates, so I was just wondering if you'd be at all interested. I think you'd really like him."

I think for a moment. I don't want to hurt Geoffrey's feelings, but I'm really not into the idea of going on a date. But, then again I might get a free meal out of it, and it's only one evening.

* * *

It is Friday. Tonight I am going out to dinner with Ryan. I am in my taxi, headed towards an Italian restaurant on 31st Street. I am wearing a dark purple, knee length dress with a black shawl. The sun is just setting and the day is warm. The taxi pulls up and I pay the driver before climbing out and entering the restaurant. I approach the maître d' and he smiles warmly at me.

"Can I help you, miss?"

"Yes, I believe you have a reservation under the name Genson?" He scans his list.

"Ah yes, Mr Genson has already arrived, I shall escort you to his table." I smile my thanks and follow him through the quiet yet crowded restaurant to a table at the back occupied by a man in a navy suit. As we approach he stands and holds out his hand.

"Hi, I'm Ryan."

"Hi, Bella. It's nice to meet you."

"It's good to meet you too."

We sit and Ryan orders a bottle of white wine for the table. While he is talking I take in his appearance. There is no denying he is good looking; he has a sort of Caribbean look about him - tanned with dark hair and eyes, though when he speaks he does so with a slight British accent. An accent that inclines towards a wealthy upbringing, perhaps.

The waiter leaves and Ryan turns to look at me.

"So, where do we begin?" he says.

"Truth be told I have no idea, I'm not good at the whole dating thing. Especially blind dates."

"Ah trust me; I know exactly what you mean." We laugh nervously and our wine arrives. The waiter pours us each a glass and leaves the bottle along with two menus.

"So where did you grow up?" I ask.

"Surrey, in England. My Father is a judge, and my mother is a poet. They met when my father was on holiday in the Bahamas thirty years ago, and they've been together ever since."

"Wow, that's more impressive than my parents." I was definitely right about the wealthy upbringing.

"How so?"

"Well they were high school sweethearts, got married almost straight after graduation… and then divorced when I was a baby. My dad's a police officer and my mom's a kindergarten teacher, and she's remarried with another kid."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Well these things happen," I answer with a smile, feeling that I need to lighten the mood somehow.

"So what do you do?"

"I'm a stockbroker, wonderful I know," he answers rolling his eyes "but it seemed like a good idea at the time, and I've always enjoyed maths. Truth be told I can't imagine myself doing anything else now."

"I feel exactly the same. I never saw myself becoming a shrink, but now it just seems so natural and right."

"What got you interested in psychology?"

"I'm not really sure… I just found it so interesting in college, learning about the way people think and stuff… and making peoples lives easier is a big bonus too."

"I'm sure it is."

I smile and pick up my menu, not sure what else to say.

We order: cannelloni for me and calzone for Ryan.

We spent the evening discussing our favourite bands, films, books and then Ryan pays the bill, though I offer to pay for my half.

We exit into the warm evening and decide to walk a few blocks before getting a cab; it's such a nice evening.

Our conversation is smaller now; almost all the topics are used up. After a while I tell him I am tired. He hails a cab for me and helps me inside. I thank him for dinner and a lovely evening and we say we'll call each other though neither of us means to do so.

The taxi pulls up in front of my building and I pay for the ride. I slowly ascend the stairs to my third floor apartment, my back slumped. I slam my door closed and through myself onto my red couch face first.

Angrily I begin to pummel the cushion beneath my head, grunting indiscernible questions and insults to myself.

What was wrong with me? Ryan was perfectly nice. He was smart, he was funny, and he was handsome and successful. So why the hell was I being so difficult about this?

Why didn't I want him?

The image of my prom photo flashes in my head and I nod, as if to say "yes that's why. That's why I don't want him. Or anyone else for that matter."

I am now twenty-five years old, he left seven years ago... and I still love him.

A sob breaks free though I try to restrain it.

"Edward… oh Edward. I miss you so much. Why did you leave? I love you, Edward." My words are mushy and confused, but in my head they ring as clear as a bells toll.

I will never fall in love again. Not now. No one could ever come close to replacing him. But yet, I'm still alone. Lonely. I want to have someone to share this rotten life with, someone to make me smile. Someone who won't leave me, who will always want me back.

And suddenly the answer is right in front of me.

**A/N ahahhh cliffie :)**

**reviews? try and guess what she's going to do, I want to see if you can get it :P. **

**I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love you all :)**

**Sasha :) xx**


	5. Chapter 4, Just Letting You Know

**_A/N _right this chapter is very short, I think it's the shortest out of all of them so sorry, but at least this is as bad as it'll get :)**

**Also, nobody guessed right, so prepare for a nice surprise :) Enjoy and review**

**Just Letting You Know (October 18th 2016, Hanks Office)**

I am in the elevator, coffee in hand. The grill closes in front of me and my finger lingers over the button panel. It's now or never.

I press the button engraved with a curled four.

I feel the metal box begin to move up, up to the Senior floor. The butterflies churn in my stomach. The metal box grinds to a stop and the grill slides back. I step out.

I walk into the small hallway type space; there are only two doors on this floor. I turn to the right and knock on the door.

"Come in."

I open the door and step into the office. Hank is standing in front of his large window, admiring the autumn view. He turns his head to look at me as I enter.

"Good morning Bella, to what do I owe the pleasure?" he says as he approaches his desk, motioning for me to take the seat opposite.

"Well I've been doing some thinking, and I think it's only fair for you to know of my intentions."

"You're not thinking of leaving, are you?" he asks, his brow knitting together in obvious anxiety.

"No! God, no. Nothing like that."

"Good, then what seems to be the problem?" he says with a well regained composure.

"Well I've decided that... I'm going to have a baby," I finish, looking down at my coffee. He leans forward in his seat, examining me over the brim of his glasses and rubbing his chin.

"Are you saying you're pregnant?"

"No... But I plan to be."

"I wasn't aware you were seeing anyone, Bella."

"I'm not... I'm going to use a sperm donor." His eyebrows flit up for a milisecond before he recovers and his face becomes serene again, impartial.

"I see... Now, Bella when I say this I don't say this as your employer, I say it as your friend; are you sure you want to do this?" I look up.

"Yes. I've thought about this a lot, I've thought about the ramifications, and I know how hard it'll be but I still want to try. I know how awkward it'll be with my patients and how hard it is to raise a baby, but this is what I want."

"Bella, you're only twenty-five. You've got your whole life ahead of you. I understand that you want a child, but wouldn't it make sense to wait a few years, find a man and settle down."

"But what if that doesn't happen? What if I don't find a man?... And... what if Mr Right came and left already?" He doesn't answer.

"I've already made an appointment at the clinic for next Tuesday; my last session ends at three that day." He pauses, considering.

"Well, as long as you're sure this is what you want... thank you for telling me Bella, it was the right thing to do."

"Thank you for being so understanding, Hank. And I'd appreciate it f you kept this between us, just for now."

"Of course, Bella. I'll see you at lunch." I get up and leave his office, a smile on my face. Today is the first step to not being lonely anymore.

**_A/N_ ahaaa didn't see that coming did you?**

**I'd love to hear what you think of Bella doing this and I have good news... Edward will most _definately_ be in the next chapter!**

**Ahhhh, excitement.**

**Anyway, love you all lots**

**Sasha :) xxx**


	6. Chapter 5, Escort

**_A/N_ haha good response to the last chapter :P I think we can safely assume that nobody saw the coming. And I know I promised you a little Edward in this chapter, so I won't keep rambling on much longer. Lol, this chapter is very cringeful.**

**Escort (October 26****th**** 2016, Manhattan)**

I rub my eyes with exhaustion. The last hour was a particularly gruelling one for me and Mitchell. It is two years to the day since his wife died. He didn't cope well.

But now, my working day is over. I grin to myself and stand up, grabbing my handbag as I practically jump from my office. I don't bother to say goodbye to everyone today, they are all still in sessions and I'm far too excited anyhow. Or am I nervous? Maybe a bit of both.

Baby...

The words flits around my head as I make my way towards the nearest subway station. I decend the stairs and enter the platform. I have already worked out my route and I know which train I am to take... I bite my lips in apprehension. Is this really a good idea?

_Of course it is! _I shout to myself. Why shouldn't I have a child? I wanted a child... and I was going to get one. But... is it fair? Is it fair of me to bring a child into my world? My depressed, half life is no place for a child. But then again, it wouldn't be that way once I had a child. My life would be full again.

Before I can contemplate right and wrong any further my train drags itself out of the tunnel and squeeks to a stop. I force my way in amongst the thick throng of people - standing space only on this train. I am crushed between a young latino woman and a middle aged man like a tetris block. The train sputters forward, back into the tunnel and I grab onto the overhead handrail. The man next to me is staring...

I smile politely and look away. Isn't it rude to stare? Or is that just me?

Every few seconds I cast a furtive glance at the guy. He is still learing. I wonder if he would feel the same about my body if he knew how it would look in a few months...

I try to ignore him for the rest of the journey, but get off the subway a stop early as to avoid him. I have plenty of time and the walk isn't that far.

But it is that fateful desicion, so insignifigant at the time, which altered the course of my life indefinately.

Once on the pavement, I look up at the sky. It is dark with rain clouds, but I've seen worse... this place ain't got nothing on Forks when it comes to rain. Still... those clouds don't look friendly.

I reach into my handbag as I continue to walk, rummaging around and checking I have my umbrella. My head is tilted down. Just as I acertain that I have my umbrella -

– "OUCH!"

I've walked straight into someone in my hurry. They are facing the other way, only now turning to see what happened. They must've been walking slower that my ninety miles an hour for us to collide. My hand is pressed to my head and I feel slightly dizzy. What the hell is this guy made of?

"Bella?" I know that voice… oh, crap.

I take my hand away from my head and look up at him. Oh God... please no. Not now, not here! He stares down at me with his peircing eyes, butterscotch and calm - yet full of surprise and some other emotion I cannot place. Jasper would know. He is still staring at me. The first of the light raindrops begin to fall. For a few seconds I seriously consider running away from him in the tears that are threatening me now. But that would be... worrying. Surely I can manage a conversation... just long enough fro me to make my escape. I can do that.

I open my mouth to answer.

"Oh. Um, hi. Sorry I didn't see you there, Edward" I mumble pathetically. He probably doesn't believe that.

"Are you all right?"

"Yes, I'm fine. You're back is really hard, by the way," I say stupidly. He's looking down at me, the worry on his face flagrant. Wait, why is he worried?

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I ask.

"You're getting a bruise on your head already… you might have a concussion, maybe we should-"

"Oh well, it'll be fine. I'm going to the doctors now anyway, so I'll get her to have a look at it," I interrupt, eager to get away.

"Why are you going to the doctors?" he asks – sounding terribly worried I might add.

"I - no reason really, it's just routine... a check up, you know? Sorry I have to go now, I'm going to be late," I stutter as I remain captivated in his gaze. In his utter perfection.

"I'll walk you there, to make sure you don't pass out in the middle of the road." My eyes widen. Did he seriously just offer to walk me there? It must be guilt or something... he wouldn't want to spend time with me.

"It doesn't hurt that bad, honestly. You don't need to come."

"Really I don't mind, plus I could use the company. They're all shopping." He rolls his golden eyes and jerks his head towards the large department store a few meters away from us.

I see that I'm not going to win this battle so I nod and walk forward, trying not to look at his heart wrenchingly beautiful face.

God, if you're really truly there, please help me now! Edward is escorting me to a family planning clinic. This is bad; this is really, really, really bad! What am I going to do?

"So…" he begins.

"So…what?"

"What are you doing in New York?"

"I live here, well not here up in the East Village. I've been working here for the last two and a half years."

"Really? Where do you work?" he sounds politely interested.

"I'm a Junior Councillor at Jefferson and Associates Psychological Support. I specialise in people coping with the loss of a loved one; death, divorce etcetera." Why did I tell him that? Now he knows where to find me! Although... he probably wouldn't want to come find me, would he?

"Wow, psychology. I didn't expect that… I thought maybe journalism," he says, almost to himself.

"And what about you? What are you doing here?" I ask as politely as possible, trying not to let my desperation into my voice.

"High School. Again. Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper are in college though; they 'graduated' in the summer. Carlisle's working at the hospital – I was going to suggest taking you to him to look at your head, but seeing as you already have an appointment."

"Yep, I'm all covered," I say, almost through gritted teeth. Edward looks down at me curiously for a second. Ridiculous, I'm twenty-five and he's still taller than me. And much, much more perfect than me. Heartbreaking, really.

We walk in silence for a few minutes, and I can see the corner that will lead to the clinic; it's only a few hundred yards away.

"We're living in Rochester," he says in an attempt to start up the conversation again, my stomach is churning too wildly with apprehension to respond so I just nod slowly.

We round the corner and I can see the clinic a few buildings down. My heart rate begins to accelerate. I know he can hear it so I try to calm myself down, breathing deeply. The glass doors are getting closer and closer. Here I go.

I stop outside the glass doors and turn to face him. Edward examines the sign on the side of the building before looking at me and raising an eyebrow in question.

"Umm, well thank you for walking me here. As you can see I haven't fallen over or passed out, and I think I'll be fine from here. So, umm bye."

I turn hurriedly on my heel and pass through the revolving glass door before he can respond. I have a feeling that right now, my face is as red as a tube of scarlet poster paint. I approach the main desk and the secretary gives me directions to get to the right room.

I take the elevator to the ninth floor, turn left and find myself in a waiting room with another desk and another secretary. She is middle aged, black and slender. I approach her and wait patiently for her to finish her phone call.

"We have an appointment available on 29th at four o'clock…okay; we'll be seeing you then Ms Henkin. Goodbye." She hangs up the receiver and looks at me.

"How can I help you?"

"My name's Bella Swan, I have an appointment with Dr McCandless." She types something on her keyboard and nods at the computer screen.

"Okay, take a seat Miss Swan; Dr McCandless will be with you in about five minutes."

"Thank you."

I turn and make my way to an empty seat in the corner. I gently press the bruise on my forehead, cringing at the slight pain it causes, both physical and emotional. I sigh and cup my chin in my hand, wrapping my free arm around my torso. I can't fall apart here. Not now.

Why did I have to bump into him today? Why did I have to bump into him ever again?

I fight to keep the tears in my eyes at bay, it's an uphill struggle but I win. I take deep breathes in through my nose and out through my mouth. This is meant to be a happy day.

"Miss Swan, Dr McCandless will see you now."

I take one last deep breath and stand up form my chair.

**_A/N _Edwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard. Sorry he didn't do much, he will in the next chapter I promise. Poor Bella, how embarrassing would that be?!**

**lol**

**reviews pleasey?**

**love you all lots**

**Sasha :) xxxxx**


	7. Letter of Resignation

okay i know i'm pretty much signing my own death warrant here, but i'm going to discontinue this story.

i'm really sorry but let me explain. See I've got this thing in my head that won't allow me to finish a story unless it has a happy ending for everyone involved. I've gotted to the point with _you'll be in my heart_ where i just can't see a happy ending. I'm really sorry and I've been trying to think a way out of it but I can't.

If anyone really wants to then they're welcome to continue this story themselves, just drop me a note telling me beforehand :)

In other news I've started playing around with a few ideas for an AH story. It involves Bella being Carlisle's illegitimat daughter and the plot in my head is quite complex with lots of mature themes - ie drugs, sex etc. If I do write it then it will be long and I might nto be able to update very often because of school and everything, but I will be committed to it :)

Also for those of you who wanted me to do a follow up one shot to _the fireworkmaker's daughter_ you may just get your wish. I'm playing around with a few ideas but I won't publish unless I'm really happy with it, which I'm not right now so ideas would be appreciated ;)

If you're still reading this, it's greatly appreciated. And I'll try and get the first chapter out for my new story asap. So far it's called _Lights will Guide you Home_ - inspired by the lyrics of the great Coldplay song_ Fix You_, so keep an eye open, yes?

much love and apologies,

Lydia


End file.
